Curiosity killed the Kit?

[kitanzi]

I was rereading through some old journal entries - I do that sometimes. Anyhow, I found the tempest in a teapot that the crush meme stirred up, and it made me curious.

If you have a crush on someone, do you tell them? Do you not? Do you tell mutual friends? Strangers who would have no idea who you're talking about? Does it make a difference if you think it's reciprocated? If so, how sure do you need to be? And if you think it isn't, do you nurture it, ignore it, or try to kill it off?

I'm curious, particularly because this meme included ex-crushes and I know a lot of people found that unknown people had ex-crushes. What does it take to turn a crush into an ex-crush? Apparent hopelessness, embarassment, disillusionment, nasty behavior from the crushee? (so to speak!)

I know I've historically been unlikely to tell anyone about a crush, but then historically I've had a fine habit of getting crushes almost exclusively on people bound to think I'm the wrong gender or the wrong kind of person, or else they're someone I should stay firmly at armslength from. Maybe for that reason I've had an awful lot of crushes just die a natural death after enough time, and a few I've firmly squelched for one reason or another. But what about the rest of you?

Comments

[jenny_evergreen]

I rarely develop crushes anymore...I've become a LOT more selective. When I do, if I have good reason to believe the feeling is mutual and there is a possibility something may be done about it, I say something. If I have reason to believe it isn't, I keep it to myself, and generally just wait it out...unnurtured, crushes die, ime.
This is "serious" crushes I'm talking about. I also do "playful" crushes, which are entirely public, and all about flirting, with no actual feeling behind it. Although I haven't had any playful crushes in a long time, now. (And only one serious crush, which has pretty much died in the last few months.)

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

When you say you've become more selective, you mean you've just naturally developed so, or that you've taught yourself? Do you find it's something you can control?

[catalana.livejournal.com]

*wryly* I've you've been following my journal, you know I tell my crushes at least sometimes...*laugh*

I actually rarely get to the stage of having a serious crush on someone, because I usually can kill it off before then. There are people who I know are simply out of bounds - people in monogamous relationships, people I know are totally uninterested - and I try not to think about them in a romantic context. Most other people I simply register an interest in, but I don't let it get as far as a crush unless I know there is interest.

Now, sometimes this backfires majorly. I have a friend who I have thought for years was absolutely gorgeous...and, I assumed, was straight. So I never said anything to her. And I find out later that, in fact, she had had a crush on me for the preceding three years but assumed I wouldn't be interested. *laugh* It was funny. Pretty frustrating too.

For me, things generally turn into an ex-crush when I give up for one reason or another. (Or decide that they're a possibility, but I'm not going to spend a lot of time/energy wondering if it'll happen.)

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

That sounds a little like me and ACat, who spent a solid year each assuming our crushes were thoroughly onesided and hopeless. *G*

So I take it the crush on that friend died on it's own before you ever found that out?

[braider.livejournal.com]

I don't tell the subjects about my crush; on the other hand, in most cases they probably have no trouble guessing. I'll sometimes tell others about crushes if they're bothering me particularly for one reason or another, usually without a name attached - unless, of course, we both know very well that we have a crush on the same person, and are entertaining ourselves by comparing notes.

Ex-crushes are those crushes that fade away for one reason or another. In the one clear example I can think of, I satisfied my curiosity as much as I wanted to, and was kinda embarrassed even by that....

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

So you sound like you're usually very transparent about having a crush. Does that bother you? It does negate the question of do you tell or not, at least. :)

Re:

[braider.livejournal.com]

I'll grant you, I sometimes keep it "quieter" than others - and I may not be as transparent as I think I am. *shrug*

One thing I've noticed in reading the replies to your post - different people define crushes differently, and treat them very differently. For me, a crush is when I keep finding myself thinking about a person, or finding myself ... responding to them... when they're nearby. There's one case in which I thought I was over a crush, and was rather upset to discover it was quite the opposite when dancing with him at an SCA event. There are some crushes more physically inspired, some more intellectually inspired.

[maedbh7.livejournal.com]

Re the meme; I initially listed all my ex-SOs as ex-crushes, which isn't entirly accurate. Then, when I outted myself, I noted that as a correction. That's really the only thing that makes me go from crushed to ex-crush, the process of dating. The other thing is them turning into an asshat; though then I tend to scrub my mind free of ever having crushed on them at all.

That said, I crush on people all the time. I spend alot of time heartbroken too, so I don't recommend crushing at all really. And I have this annoying habit of telling people before they are really ready tohear it. This has scared off any great number of people. SO, I guess, in that light, it acts as an interesting filter for keeping the disinterested out of my life. Sometimes, that's a good thing, even if I hate it as it happens.

Enough of a reply for you? I could say more, but I have an evil earworm in my head that isn't helping any. -H...

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

Oh, it's a very good reply. You and I have even discussed this to some extent, in talking about how we have such a hard time knowing if someone's really flirting or not. :)

[folkmew.livejournal.com]

Wow - creeeeak... (that's the sound of the door to a long un-used part of my psyche). Crushes. I'm not sure about them these days. I'd say I don't have them because I have found my "one true love (tm)" (as Ed and I like to joke) and am very happy with him. We fill each other's needs on most levels very nicely. Some hard work and lots of luck no doubt. So, for the most part I find it quite easy to bury my attraction to other people. I know that some of my poly friends would say I am not letting those relationships be fulfilled but I feel that I am merely choosing where to put my energy and time. YMMV :-)

It is true though that Ed and I are comfortable talking about people we find attractive and bringing them into shared fantasies. :-) So while that isn't exactly a crush I guess it is related.

Having said that I had what could be called a very mild crush recently in a way. Not really sexual but a profound attraction to talent, skill and basic charm. A guy who was singing in Ed's choir that we *both* really enjoyed getting to know (who has unfortunately left the choir on friendly terms in search of more early music). He has a fantastic bass voice, and plays many early instruments (recorders, lute, krumhorn, sakbutt, viols... etc etc) as well as being a luthier and making most of those. I just wanted to make lots of music with him and spend a lot of time getting to know him. When I had a big solo in church I wanted to impress him.. stuff like that. Sort of a crush but like I said, not really sexually motivated.

When I may have mentioned a crush on you Larissa, I guess it was in the category of "playful flirtation". I just really enjoyed getting to know you as a voice student and then after as a friend and wish we lived closer so we could hang out more. I *do* think you are very pretty, and I say that as someone who sort of toyed with the idea of being bisexual but decided that as far as relationships go should admit to being heterosexual since that's what I'm looking for in a relationship.
However, if Ed and I ever did decide to open things up I'd put you on a short list. (smile) Does that explain things?

My sordid past was filled with far too many short lived relationships. I think generally requited but doubtless there were a few unrequited ones.

The worst mis-match was with my ex husband. He's a very nice guy and we did have some things in common. But while *I* found him very very attractive (dark hair, big huge lovely eyes, tall...) he was more attracted to me as a person I guess. I remember him once telling me that he found more boyish looking women attractive. To each their own but I'll never fit that category. Fortunately Ed seems to find me as attractive as I find him. Phew. :-)

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

*G* I wasn't actually fishing over a followup on your earlier crush comment - though that's interesting. Regarding that, and also the guy in the choir, there's the question of do crushes have to be sexual? (Though I'm flattered to be on that short list. *G*)Hero worship is much like a crush, and can easily shade back and forth, and need not be sexual at all. As far as current crushes go, I wouldn't say having crushes negates being monogamous. I suppose that would make an interesting question on the line between monogamy and polyamory anyhow- to help illustrate how much weight somone may put on what you think/feel vs what you say and do. I wouldn't call having an agreement with a spouse to freely flirt polyamory, for instance. There are umpteen definitions, though.

[folkmew.livejournal.com]

Hmm - realized I haven't answered from the "being crushed" end of things. I've never really had a person tell me they had a crush on me and it made me uncomfortable. I had one relationship with someone who I knew would not turn into anything more serious than a loving friendship (not to make light of that ). I like to think it was good for him but sometimes I worry that it made him sad more than helped him.

Oh wait - yes - there have been a few "uh oh - how am I going to not hurt this person?" type things now that I really think about it. Blah. Unrequited love sucks.

I had a roomate in college, a wonderful woman, who first told me she was bi, then lesbian, then that she was in love with me. I adored her but not romantically. Somehow we got through it and are still friends (though I don't see her nearly often enough, God, the last time I actually *saw* her was when she put a harmony track on Current Obsessions! yikes!).

I guess in general I find that real love, even if it isn't the type of love the other person is looking for, can work magic.

[pocketnaomi.livejournal.com]

I seldom do crushes, just because I'm ridiculously picky. Usually I make a fairly early decision about whether this is someone I actually want to go after or not, and if I don't, I just flirt a bit. Often, I flirt with a definite knowledge that I'd prefer it not get anywhere, but the flirting is fun anyway. Other times, I'd probably take the person up on it if they responded, but am not displeased if it doesn't. In both kinds of cases I don't mind being obvious about the attraction, though I rarely say it explicitly.

I've had a couple of cases where it's very clear that I either do not want to or should not pursue the person -- they're monogamously involved, they're attracted to a totally different type, etc. -- and I haven't told them, or been obvious about that at all. It's worth it to me to keep quiet and keep what I can have of them, the friendship unmarred by any discomfort they might feel at knowing I felt more than that. I have usually told one or two other people -- always Manny, at minimum -- so I have someone to talk to about it. But I don't let it get back to the person. I don't generally feel a need to squelch them, because I'm genuinely comfortable with enjoying their friendship and company without needing it to go any further, so I may as well keep the spark that makes me enjoy it just a little more. If it were making me unhappy that I couldn't have more from them I'd probably try to squelch the crush, but it never really has.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

All that fits very well with what I have actually seen in you - you seem to handles these things very gracefully, seems to me. :)

[pocketnaomi.livejournal.com]

I got an early lesson in thinking about what I wanted and what I could have. My first real love was unrequited, inevitably so, for someone who had literally recreated his entire personality for the sake of one girl, who wasn't me. I learned that I really liked the role of page -- the nonromantic, barely-seen person lurking around the corners, doing what I could for them (that relationship was difficult for a lot of reasons, and needed a lot of support from their friends) and reaping my rewards in time spent around him, in the occasional smile or word, and in the knowledge that I was making a difference. Since then, anything I've had from someone I wanted which was more than that minimum makes me feel extra-privileged, and I don't really feel a need to push harder.

[musicmutt.livejournal.com]

Crushes are very rare and I tend to keep quiet about them.

[teddywolf.livejournal.com]

I've changed a lot since college.

At this point, for me to have a crush on somebody in the first place I have to find the person mentally, spiritually and physically attractive. The mental and spiritual part means a good sense of humor, knowing how to use brain cells, not close-minded about Life and The World. The crush will get stronger if I'm flirted with and it seems like serious flirting.

Also at this point, I actually have very few crushes. I'll still mentally drool over the pretty girls as they walk by on the street, or bend over to make a shot on the pool table at the cafe, but I recognize that for what it is. I had more difficulty making the separation in college, sometimes completely failing to do so. Luckily I didn't fail all the time, but I'm glad I've earned the XP since then...

An ex-crush for me tends to be when somebody I thought was in fact attractive in those ways turns out to either be less attractive than I'd thought or becomes less attractive. I have a few ex-crushes on women who initially seemed to be different from what they truly were.

Not all of my ex-girlfriends are ex-crushes.

Crushes?

[filker0.livejournal.com]

I don't know... It depends on what you consider a crush to be. Over the years, I've had many crushes, but I have always kept quiet about them. And the way that I'm wired, I could never bring myself to persue any of my crushees while I was either in or just out of a relationship. One of the reasons that I don't express my crushes is to avoid embarassing the crushee; another is to avoid embarassing myself, and the third is because, if the crushee knew, it would probably change our friendship, with that person being more wary of my intentions (or in some other cases, not wary enough...)

Some years ago, I mentioned to a former crushee of mine that I had had a crush on her a while a few years previously, and she turned pink, and suggested that I should have said something at the time. She didn't say much more to me for a while. While I took this to mean that the crush was mutual, I suspect that, for me, it was a rare situation. I've only had one relationship (beyond friendship) that resulted from me persuing someone I had a crush on, and it ended badly. That is not to say that that's a pre-ordained thing, but I became much more shy and hesitant around people I found attractive in a more than superficial way after that.

Now, I'm married. I have no desire for a romantic relationship with anyone other than my wife. That does not mean that I don't still get crushes, but I'll continue to keep quiet about them.