Thinking about it

[kitanzi]

I've been thinking more about the incident I posted about yesterday.



If anything relating to that comes up again, I will say something. I'll try to think out, generally, what I want to say in advance so I can try to be clear (and not stammer) but not accusatory or confrontational. I'll try to ask questions instead of make statements. I'll answer the inevitable question of whether I'm saying this because I am gay with the truth - I'm bi - rather than playing semantics games and saying no. (Though it would be literal truth, I'd feel that I was splitting hairs, and I doubt I'd sound convincing. I almost never am in that circumstance, because I feel like I'm lying, and I'd rather tell the full truth and believed than the half truth and be called a liar anyhow. Being poly is unlikely to come up - I'm pretty sure the concept just isn't in their world view.)

I don't know if it will come up any time soon, but we'll see. I feel better about it for having decided a personal policy. At previous jobs I've kept my mouth shut, but I've never heard this level of bile at any of them. I've always divided my home and work life fairly strictly that way (with a couple exceptions) and rationalized it as being no one's buisness. It's not their business - but just how angry that made me makes me realize it must have bothered me more than I thought. Maybe I'm changing, figuring out my own mind and growing up a bit more... maybe I'm just being stubborn. That wouldn't be anything new. Obviously, all this is subject to change, but I've been doing quite a bit of intensive thinking about it in the last 24 hours or so.

Anyhow, as for why I think my job is particularly vulnerable and why I don't think the legal avenues against sexual orientation discrimination would do me much good - I'm a temp. The company I come to work at daily doesn't need a reason to let me go - they can just tell the temp agency they don't like me any more, or don't need me. If the temp agency fired me, well, I'd just be another contractor they didn't happen to have work for. They would never need to say they did fire me - "We'll call you when we have something." This is not to say that that would necessarily happen, but I am aware that I would have a lot less leverage against it that a permanent employee would.

I'd also like to add that I looked back at yesterday's post and it started out sounding awfully anti-South. Sorry for that - I was feeling very adversarial just then, and it felt a lot like them vs me, but I do like it here and those were bad lines to imply for the them vs me split.

Anyhow. Back to my day.

Comments

[jenny_evergreen]

I actually think of my bisexuality as an asset in these situations. I am a bisexual woman living a heterosexual lifestyle. (I'd be poly, but the right woman hasn't found me and I gave up looking.)
This alone tends to cause people's minds to go sproing, because they're creating a dichotomy where there isn't one.
They are both like and unlike me, which can sometimes open up dialogue better than if I was either straight or gay. (Although the really rabid "dichotomizers" will, of course, assert that one is, in fact, either gay and "overcoming" it or straight and is/were "pretending" to be gay. Sometimes the introduction of poly can deal with that (sometimes it can cause them to dismiss you entirely or just change the discussion completely. But "poly for others" seems to be less of a hot button for most people.), sometimes simply being Really Convincing about the fact that you can be attracted to and love BOTH men and women will have an effect. And, of course, sometimes nothing works.

All this is part of why I'm really angry that bisexuality isn't better represented...I believe that if we stop allowing this "dichotomizing", it would go a long way towards easing hostilities. As long as we make it always about "straight or gay", it will equate to "bad or good". IMO.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

I'd like to see less dichotomizing, too, but that was more or less beside the point for this particular instance. This is more like GLBT Education 101, with that being addressed in 102. *G* At the moment, I am also effectively a bi poly woman living monogamously with my male sweetheart. Given the right time and person, I hope to change both of those - but to the casual observer, neither fact is obvious. *shrug* And I do still think it's none of their business here, but....

[jenny_evergreen]

*nod* For me, GLBT 101 includes stressing the existence of bisexuality...I strongly avoid letting people talk in terms of straight/gay as part of 101. That's my thing. =) It doesn't always work, of course.

Miss Manners...

[folkmew.livejournal.com]

I can't resist trying to paraphrase the incomparable Miss Manners.

Dear Miss Manners, what do I say when introduced to my cousin and his gay "partner"?

Gentle Reader, "How do you do?" "How do you do?"

I love Miss Manners if only more people were so pragmatic and kind.

Sounds like your personal policy is a good one. I will say that through the years I feel I have built many more bridges by being an advocate from the other side as it were. I find I am often in a better position to shift someone's world view a little if they already like me and if they see me as not a threat they will maybe listen to me and actually hear me.

(however, for me it isn't lying to identify as straight and monogamous - oh boy - that could be a whole 'nother long post - suffice it to say that while I find women attractive in theory and the concept of poly holds some philosophical appeal to me, in practice I am monogamous and straight by choice. My semi-joking reason for not choosing a poly lifestyle is "Who has the time!?" Anyway, it works for me and my basic rule on both is "if the right opportunity presented itself I wouldn't necessarily rule it out but wouldn't want to send misleading messages." (does that make sense?) Oh well...

Re: Miss Manners...

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

I've always liked that Miss Manners quote, too! Actually, ACat and I have a great book called The Bride Wore Leather ... And He Looked Fabulous!: An Ettiquete Guide For The Rest Of Us. You'd love it!

I've played advocate before, though I admit not in a work situation. *shrug* If it comes up again - it's likely to eventually, if I stay here long enough - then I will do so here and see how it goes. I could be being overly pessimistic - it could go just fine. I'm intensely aware, though, that no one needs to give anyone the slightest reason to let me go, since I AM a temp and it doesn't even have to be called firing. If simply the six people who were talking yesterday decide to complain about me - for spurious reasons, for no reason at all, even for looking funny at them - then yeah, they could decide to let me go with no trouble to them.

And yes, that last part does make sense. :)

[folkmew.livejournal.com]

Re: temping - I've done LOTS of it. One thing you CAN do if you ever get dumped for spurious reasons is make a formal complaint and have it put in your file. I did this the one time I was let go on a temp job. In this case I had talked to my immediate supervisor (but not her boss who hired me) about my stepdaughter having a lot of trouble and "running away" etc. I told her that I would do everything in my power to not let it interfere with my work but that it was very hard to get an appointment with her therapist and the step daughter insisted that I be there as well as her father and was saying suicidal things so warned her that basically if I got an appointment I had to go. I told her I had made excellent notes so that a temp could fill in for me for that partial day. ETc - she assured me it was fine and that I was doing an excellent job. But when it came down to it and, in fact, I had to miss half a day of work for the appt, I got sacked. I wrote a careful explanation of the situation naming names and being very clear on my perspective on what had happened and insisted that Adecco put it in my file (to be fair they were very supportive and I had no problem getting more assignments).

Not that it gives you lots of security feelings but just wanted to let you know that there are a few things you can do! :-)
Hugs

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

Well, that is good to know, and thank you. ;)

[pocketnaomi.livejournal.com]

Just for the record:

There are New Yorkers -- and bisexual ones -- who disagree with the decision vehemently. Not for the same reasons as your neighbors; because we do not believe that separate-but-equal works and we think it is a shabby way to avoid trying to make life okay for gay teenagers in the regular schools. I don't believe in state-run black-only schools, I don't believe in state-run Jewish-only schools, and I don't believe in gay-only schools. And I see this as the antithesis of the bigotry you've been facing.

I'm not mad at you, though I am mad at my city for the decision. I just wanted to let you know there are multiple ways to look at the question without being evil.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

Um, okay. I'm not sure why you think I would think you were mad at me, since I've said/agreed with people who were saying much the same thing in this and the last post.

[pocketnaomi.livejournal.com]

Didn't read comments, read the posts by themselves. What I get for being in a hurry.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

*hug* whew... I was worried I'd gone and somehow said something totally opposite of what I meant and not realized it. :)I don't think that even the first post ever said I was in favor of the school, though, did it?

[pocketnaomi.livejournal.com]

No, it didn't.

[maedbh7.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Plans for future incidents are good things to have :) -H...

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

This is what I am devoutly hoping, as a way to work around freezing up and/or losing my temper. Or simply stammering until I am so frustrated I give up. :(

[bardling.livejournal.com]

And good reason to go with it too. Plans seldom survive unchanged, but you're better off starting with a plan, a well thought-over place where you're standing and the confidence both give you than without those. Good luck!
*Bhigghugs*

Attack Of The Clones

[(Anonymous)]

I'm glad you're doing a bit better on this. The whole thing seems really straight-
forward, until you bump up against ignorance in the real world. It must have been
quite a shock after the days you just spent in a ConCertino / family environment. I
don't know if what I have to contribute will be a help, but I do have some thoughts.

We all seem to agree that, like NASA's "Quick, cheap, on target - pick any two"
philosophy, "Separate but equal" is a pick one and only one situation, and one I
had thought long discredited.

Are you familiar with the term Invisible Minority? Many of us are members of this
and not just clones. But that doesn't make being in the minority any easier. One
Commenter talked about comparing the possible gain, if any, against the possible
cost to yourself of speaking up. This is far from being an easy decision, and I don't
envy you the chance of finding yourself in such a situation again and speaking up.
I know I don't do confrontation at all well, and would be hard pressed to live up to
ideals that called for saying something. But I like to think I'd try.

For a bit of geographical perspective, remember your days at disConnection before
you moved south? Once again, feelings of being an outsider who's not quite the
same as your coworkers. And this was up here, not in The South. I'm thoroughly
familiar with that feeling from past jobs. Hell, my Chosen One and I feel it here at
home in our own neighborhood. Hint - view it as a positive thing?

One last thought, already brought up by a Commenter. My own approach to dealing
with discussing differences (which I tend to avoid, especially if the subject is religion,
politics or aliens' sexual practices [g]), is to ask questions. Sometimes more can be
accomplished when the other person comes up with their own realization, rather than
having my beliefs in hiser face.

Hugs,
Ann Onynous (hopelessly monogamous, heterosexual only, old married coot)