points of view

[kitanzi]

I keep running into many little things that remind me I'm not where I used to be. Some of these may be north vs south, some may be small town vs cityish, some may be as simple as my old job vs my new job, some may just be me being a bit out of synch, as I so often am. But all that's really a subject for another post - that's not really what I meant to be gong on about here.
In the final few minutes before I left work today, one of the friendlier women there was chattering on about how she needed to have lower standards so she could find herself a man. She wants, quite seriously, someone over 6', "manly" (which she translated for me as aggressive), an engineer (though I suspect she'd settle for anyone with what she considers an equivalent high income), childless, 27-33 years old, and a pile of other things that escape me now. I was mostly just smiling and making amused comments and trying not to sound TOO amused. I mentioned I had a tall boyfriend myself, though that hadn't been one of my requirements. She babbled happily on for a few minutes, then suddenly asked me when I was getting married.
Um, I'm not. I told her this, and you would have thought I had told her I butcher babies for a hobby. She did try to be tactful, I'll give her points for that, but she honestly couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. When I asked her why I should, and added that I didn't want kids, so that wasn't a consideration, she was (momentarily!) speechless. I was saved by a last minute incoming call, but her explicitly repeated point was that if I was "fulfilling the role of a wife" (nice euphemism) then why ever wasn't I getting married and having kids? Was something WRONG?
Yep, this is the bible belt. I know it, and mostly overlook it. Many of my coworkers have biblical quotations up on their cubes, and I've deflected a few inquiries on religion. (In fairness, I was doing that back in NH anyhow, because that's one of the topics I find almost never stays a discussion - it degenerates into an argument.) On the other hand, I know more pagans here than I did there, and at least as many poly folks.
I guess my original point - I did have one! - was to wonder how many other people, wherever they are, have run into the default expectation of marriage and kids, and similar horrified what's-wrong-with-you reactions if they weren't interested? Is it regional thing? A generational thing? Just me?

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Oy, Kitanzi! Maybe your entry should have been titled "can of worms". I'm not
referring to any of the comments received, but to the subjects you've broached.

In general, I'd say this default expectation is a human thing, but one that can be
affected by geography or generation. Or culture, as in religion? Yes, you do live
in the bible belt, but can you spell Puritan? And although you do live near a big
cosmopolitan city, not all the residents therein will be cosmopolitan.

While one might expect younger people to be less hide bound than the older
generation (each generation thinks this?), your co-worker sounds definitely
pre-feminist, and this despite her age. Maybe culture is overriding generational
influences? My spouse told me of a co-worker who was shushing people at work
because they were taking the Lord's name in vain (saying "Oh God" or "God damn").
The co-worker was young and well educated. Uh, and from Texas. [grin?]

I find this whole marriage / macho protector / biddable woman / continue the
species attitude more than a bit prehistoric, but it's obviously a YMMV thing. And,
as you say, something that can easily degenerate into an argument.

Yes, I'm married; our choice - definite legal advantages there. At our age (we
ain't young), people assume we MUST be married by now. :)

But no, we're childless (child free?); mostly my choice, but enforced by a chance
of biology. And yes, we frequently get asked "How many children?". Not "Do you
have children?". Truth be told, either question coming from someone not family or
not family-by-choice is somewhat impertinent (IMHO), but all too common. No one's
ever been tactless enough to actually ask "What's wrong with you?", but...

Anyway. I know you know how to march to a different accordion, and how to deal
with being a member of an invisible minority; as do I. Community (fannish, filkish,
pagan, poly..., not political entity), and your own inner strength and the strength
of your loved ones.

Carry on, corporal.
Ann Onynous (who may indeed know how to spell that last name)

PS - Average height for a man or a woman is best expressed as a range, I believe.

PPS - Your co-worker's euphemism (fulfilling the role of a wife) sounds recreational,
but then she goes on about getting married and being procreational. Eh. My own
interest has always been the former. [EG]

PPPS - Hey, why be normal

Re:

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

Sir, Yes, Sir, General! Well, given that one of the major points of the whole discussion was sparked by me saying I wasn't having kids, I would say the euphemism was definitely referring to recreation, which is admittedly my own interest.