an informal poll

[kitanzi]

For those who are married/plan to be married/anything equivilant -

When you say to someone "It's our anniversary", are you talking about when you and your SO had your ceremony, or when you started your relationship, or something else entirely, and how do you decide?

And for everyone generally -

If someone said that to you, which would you assume they were talking about if they didn't specify?

Comments

[eloren.livejournal.com]

Wedding day here.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

Ok, I think that's the traditional choice. But why? Before you were married, I imagine your anniversary was when you started the relationship. (correct me if I'm wrong.) Does the other anniversary become meaningless once you're married?

[hobbitbabe.livejournal.com]

If they were conventional people, I'd assume they meant the wedding day. My not-so-conventional friends tend to say things like "we've been together for X years come spring, we've been married for Y years come September 5th", and if they mark the date of first going out or first realizing they were in love or first kiss or whatever, they do that privately. The wedding is a public thing.

My former partners, who were legally married, used to mention when it was the anniversary of moving in together, but used to celebrate on the anniversary of the wedding date. Although they used to say every time that their "real" anniversary was the night before the wedding, when they said the vows privately to each other at home.

In my r'ship with them, I counted the anniversary from the first time we had sex. We didn't make formal commitments until a year after that, and we'd been courting for most of a year before that, but that was a tidy date to remember (it was also the day I became an Aunt, so I always remember my niece's birthday but nowadays I forget her age).

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

I was just curious since ACat and I tend to say wedding anniversary when we mean wedding anniversary, and anniversary when we mean when we started our relationship. I realized that was uncommon, but I hadn't realized it was as uncommon as it appears to be. It only came up because our anniversary (of the second variety) is this weekend and when I mentioned it at work someone assumed I meant wedding anniversary. I wondered if this was the Bible belt at work, but apparently not so much.

[alymid.livejournal.com]

To me that means the anniversary of the date of our wedding. As a matter of fact Evan and I went through some specific trouble to make sure that we could have both our handfasting and our more traditional legal wedding on the same day so that there wouldn't be any question about which was the "real" anniversary. So we had a dawn handfasting in faire garb with the priest and priestess then went over to the country club put on the white dress and tux and went down the aisle.

Whee - Busy day!

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

That's a clever way to manage it! It sounds like a very long day, however. I hope they were both good.

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

Now that we're married, we refer to our wedding date as our anniversary. Before that, we referred to when we started dating as our anniversary.

It's not that our dating-anniversary became meaningless once we were married; it's just that.... another milestone was reached, and became (for us) the significant marker of our relationship.

There are so many significant points in our lives together - when we met, when we started dating, when we moved in together, when we got engaged - it makes sense to pick one. And, being ritual and ceremony junkies, our wedding was, to us, a celebration of everything we had together and everything we hope to create. So that's what we celebrate....

[catalana.livejournal.com]

I think this is the best summary of my feelings on the matter - the wedding wouldn't render the other one meaningless, but it's another phase of your relationship.

And, realistically, it's all fairly arbitrary. AS long as you're happy together, you could celebrate the third THursday in April as your special day. *grin*

[zanda-myrande.livejournal.com]

Wedding day, because (a) that's what a wedding anniversary is, and (b) we met on my birthday, and I already celebrate that.

If somebody who was married just said "anniversary," I'd assume they were talking about a wedding anniversary. If they weren't formally joined, I wouldn't assume anything.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

Fair enough, although a) that's why I specifically didn't say wedding anniversary, just anniversary, and b) that's a great idea. :)

[celticdragonfly.livejournal.com]

For selenite and me, it's mostly our wedding anniversary. Although that's something of a floating holiday - it can be celebrated as either May 30th OR the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend, as fits our plans better. But I also note and appreciate the anniversary of when we'd moved in together.

For fordprfct and me the term is still kinda in limbo. We note the anniversary of when we started dating, but I think it's sorta not a "real" anniversary. I'm still hoping for a ceremony of some sort.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

I'm seeing a common thread of ceremony being important, and maybe that's why ACat and I don't have this built in. Our wedding was about as unceremonious as it gets, at the courtroom with three dozen other couples. It wasn't important to either of us. (Meaning the ceremony - the relationship is very important to us.)

[redaxe.livejournal.com]

Typically, I'd expect "our anniversary" to be the date a committed couple had their ceremony, if they had one, or the date they got together or the date they met, if they haven't.

M and I, of course, are the exception; we are legally committed via a NYC civil union (in December or January sometime, IIRC), but consider our anniversary to be one of two cons in November; Philcon, when we got together, or Darkover, where M joined what was then our family.

ETA: I suppose this shows the importance of that civil union in our minds, relatively. I think it would be different if we were formally married, or even handfasted. But a civil union that really only holds force here, for what amounts to insurance purposes? Not nearly as important as the intangibles that really bond us.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

Hmmm. That is interesting, thank you. I come to an opposite convention through roughly the same lines - to us the intangibles were important, the ceremony less so, so the wedding date (which was also mostly for legal purposes) was less important than the start of the relationship. This is just the kind of thing I was wanting to ask people about, thank you!

[victorthecook.livejournal.com]

Well, I tend to consider the start of our relationship as the more significant anniversary -- but if I'm talking to anybody else, they assume the wedding anniversary. This is complicated by the fact that we don't have a specific day assigned to the start of our relationship [the Friday before fall finals week], whereas I have an embroidered throw my godparents gave us for our wedding.

Fortunately, neither of us wants to turn it into a festival -- it tends to come up when we discover a round-numbered anniversary arriving on one count or the other.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

In fairness, we have a convention (OVFF) which we use to mark our start-of-relationship anniversary or we'd probably have forgotten it. *grin* So ours floats a bit, too.

[grey-lady.livejournal.com]

Using just the word 'anniversary', I'd be referring to the anniversary of our marriage ceremony. Anything else (anniversary of our engagement) I'd specify with the extra words.

If a couple I knew to be married / legally partnered said 'anniversary' then I'd generally assume they meant the same. If unmarried, I'd probably guess (but not necessarily assume) that it was the anniversary of a date significant in the development of their relationship in some way.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

That does seem to be the consensus, thank you! (It's not really surprising, but I am a little surprised at how universal it is.)

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

WD and I mean 'of when we met'. I'm not sure if that would change if we got married.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

Wheee, thank you! *grin* Seriously, I can understand why people opt the other way, but it's nice to find someone who thinks the same way on this that ACat and I do, especially since we never sat down and DECIDED this, we just sort of do it.

[meritmaat.livejournal.com]

We are married about 7 years now, and our aniversary is our wedding day. Still, we have been together for 15 years, and for this, the day we started our relationships counts.
With married people, I would always assume they mean the day they were legally married.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you still count both dates, though clearly the common assumption is that anniversary means marriage date. Thank you!

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

When I use it, I mean "wedding day"

When other people use it; if I have reason to believe they are married (including gay marriage) I assume wedding day, if I have reason to believe they are not married I assume it means some day significant in their relationship, but don't usually have any idea what development it represents. On the other hand, I don't much care what development it represents; it is enough for me to know that it is their special day for some reason.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

And that's a good point - it's important to the folks celebrating it more than anyone else, or should be. It just came up at work, when I made one assumption and someone else made another, so I was curious. Thanks!

[elgecko.livejournal.com]

When I was married, my "day of relationship start" was 9/12, and "day of marriage" was 9/9, so it became "anniversary week", roughly, and we celebrated whenever a handy weekend came in. My presently active relationships are all "day of relationship start", and I'm not presently intending to get married again.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

A very practical solution, thank you! (And a great excuse for more celebrations! *grin*)

[joecoustic.livejournal.com]

I would assume a person meant wedding day if they are married or something similar, unless they added in an additional term. I suppose it's a conventional shorthand. I don't see it as more important myself but just that we're conditioned to make that assumption. Probably some greeting card conspiracy ;).

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

It is the conventional shorthand, I just didn't realize how pervasive it is. True about the greeting cards! *grin*

[andpuff.livejournal.com]

We're referring to wedding day because there's really no "date" that we got together -- we just sort of merged. *g*

If someone tells me it's their anniversary and I don't know that they aren't married, I say, "Congratulations. Wedding?" just in case.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

That makes a lot of sense - if you don't have a clear cut got-together date, use the date that is more set. :) I suppose if there were need, I'd assume they meant wedding, but mostly I'd just say "congratulations" and figure they meant "the most important date of our relationship" without defining it.

[wheezinggirl.livejournal.com]

Since we are not married but have been together since the dawn of history, we refer to our "first date" day as our anniversary. It is easy to remember since it was Valentine's Day. We were handfasted, but we do not celebrate that annivarsary date.

However, we other people refer to their anniversary I automatically assume Wedding if it hasn't been specified. I think most people assume "wedding" when I say it too, even though it isn't. We seldom correct strangers.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

The dawn of history, huh? Written history, or before that? *grin* Yeah, when people assumed before we got married I never bothered correcting them either, whether it was about the anniversary or the status of the relationship itself. ("You and your wife have a nice day, now!)

[okoshun.livejournal.com]

Primarily, we use when we had our ceremony, although the first time we went out on a date is also celebrated at times.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

All the more reasons to celebrate! I'm curious, if you don't mind an additional question - do you equate "first date" with "start of relationship"? I can see either way, depending on the people involved.

[vila-resthal.livejournal.com]

We have two anniversaries; October 3rd - the day Lyn got off the bus and we met in the flesh for the first time, and July 14th - the day we went down to the county courthouse and got married. I'm the one who remembers both. Quite odd for an American male, LOL!

When I hear someone say that it's their anniversary, I automatically think "wedding" unless I am already aware that the people in question aren't married. Most of the time, the person will tend to clarify the situation with a parenthetical statement as to just what the "anniversary" event happens to be.

If I'm not told, or already know, what the anniversary is of, I tend not to think anything about it at all. But then, I'm odd that way. :)

Dan

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

Well, I've always said you're one of a kind, Dan. *grin* And I also tend to not worry about what kind of anniversary unless there's reason to - I just mentally default to "most important date of their relationship" and don't worry about it. But I'm odd, too.

[eponasr.livejournal.com]

If I'm discussing it with other people, then I typically only refer to our wedding anniversary. But we celebrate and track both dates...May 1, 1993 and June 22, 1996.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

More celebrations are always good! :) Frankly, if we didn't have an easier way of remembering the relationship-start one than the wedding one, maybe we wouldn't have defaulted to this, I don't know.

[annonynous.livejournal.com]

As folks have Commented, all sorts of events can be called your Anniversary (or anniversaries). A civil / religious ceremony is probably the easiest to remember the date of, and it was what Lois and I called our anniversary. But when we became lovers is easy to remember too (Christmas Eve, although it may well have been after midnight - we weren't thinking of clocks [g]), and was a date we also celebrated.

Other important events have been covered well by previous Commenters and, as noted, may not be as easy to remember.

As to a man and a woman saying it's their anniversary, I'd assume wedding. But thanks to Massachusetts, California and Connecticut, the same might hold true for a non-heterosexual couple. Adding civil unions into the mix doesn't simplify things, does it? :)

BTW, re your and ACat's non-wedding (OVFF) anniversary, my records indicate it's October 28. :)

Paul M. (half Capricorn, half Vulcan)

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

Heh, you know the actual date and I do not without looking it up - though it sounds like you did look it up. We just say OVFF and make the weekend a celebration, which works out well.

[braider.livejournal.com]

Married.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

Fair enough, this does seem to be the consensus, almost unanimously.

[gorgeousgary]

Another vote for wedding day.

It is interesting to note though that our first official date was New Year's Eve (and the Millenium "observed", at that). So it's kinda hard to forget that anniversary too! 8-)

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

Very clever of you - if you planned it that way! (Very convenient, regardless!)

[cellio]

Wedding for us, and the default unless I know otherwise for the speaker. I would be hard pressed to name the date that we "got together" or started dating or whatever.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

Sure - that makes sense and it does seem to be the consensus. I thought maybe it was mostly here in the Bible Belt, but apparently not at all.

[surrdave.livejournal.com]

This has been a great source of puzzlement to me. As near as I can figure, I'll have to keep track of multiple anniversaries, some of which apparently will be kept secret (from me). Taking a page from Gary, I'll try to place all milestones on some sort of holiday. For example, I remember my parents' anniversary because it's my birthday. As long as I keep life simple like that, I'll do all right. ("Sorry, can we put off the date for a few weeks? November 28th good for you?")

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. Shall I apologize on behalf of my gender? I've always thought that was horribly unfair, especially since I suck at remembering them myself. :)

[hawklady.livejournal.com]

For us, it's the night we met (and ended up engaged a few hours later). It was an Instant Couple situation.

For others, unless they say otherwise, I'd default to the assumption it was the wedding day. That's the "standard" more or less.

We never remember the exact legal-wedding-day because it was just a quick trip to the courthouse sandwiched between other end-of-semester errands before zooming out of town to spend the break with his family. We'd have done that ages ago except that I was underage and there were major problems from my side of the family.

We sometimes remember the day we exchanged our personal vows, a few weeks after we met. But over the years the day-we-met date has overtaken the other two as the one to celebrate.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

Awwww, that's so sweet! I'm glad you've never had to regret it - that's quite unusual, though ridiculously romantic. :) We had the courthouse wedding, too, which is probably part of why we put less emphasis on that than the other. It's kinda nice to see someone else with the same feeling on this!