Boundaries

[kitanzi]

I had an interesting discussion with a friend earlier today about the boundaries between public and private, and the non-obvious line where venting and asking friends for help and support shades into talking about someone else's business, perhaps even more so online. When does your need for support run into someone else's wish for privacy? I've had this come up in my life often enough that I've put a lot of thought into it, but I thought this would also be a good place to ask other people's experiences - please feel free to add anything you like in comments.

[Poll #830069]

Comments

[redaxe.livejournal.com]

No written form of communication is truly private, though some (paper journals, locked and hidden, for example) are closer than others.

I'm leery of discussing ANYTHING truly private in any kind of writing; I have, in the past, done so in a back channel at #filkhaven (it's a small network, and unlikely that the relays between will capture any of my personal jive). Doing so in channel would be Right Out.

maya_a and I haven't gotten to the kind of conflict that you describe. But we both have strong senses of propriety, and are each unlikely to air dirty laundry in public. (Privately, with a single or pair of confidants, is conceivable. But such folks would necessarily themselves be discreet, and able to keep secrets.)

[poltr1]

The one-line responses aren't long enough.

Some of the really personal stuff I don't bring up on LJ, even in a friends-locked or private post. I have a few close friends that I can trust with those things, but even so, confidentiality (whatever is said here, stays here) is agreed upon beforehand.

On LJ, I try to keep friends-locked posts private (i.e. I don't discuss the details openly), but I've slipped up a few times. *hangs head in shame*

I'm aware of the "computer confessional" -- it's too easy to say something about or to someone that wouldn't be said in person. The rule I try to live by is that I avoid saying things *about* someone that I wouldn't say *to* them.

[nelladarren.livejournal.com]

If it depends on circumstances, what circumstances does it depend on? And if it doesn't, why doesn't it?

If for example my lj friends now the person concerned I wouldn't discuss things there in public. If it was someone unknown to them I would talk about it, but wouldn't use names to ensure anonymity.

If you and an SO have conflict, how do you jointly decide (if you do) where the line is between asking friends for help and airing dirty laundry or talking about someone behind their back?

With a very good friend ("best friend") I discuss everything. And that is important because if you keep everything concerning your relationship only to you, you can't relativate things and they might grow out of proportion. A good friend can tell you "tell that your SO, it's important!" or "stop making such a fuss about it, you're nuts!".

That's what I can say about it in that general way. But it very much depends on the situation, what the subject is, WHY I talk to someone about it and who that is... :o/

[nelladarren.livejournal.com]

"k"now, of course...